U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I need moral support for this bender
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
