I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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