Jerry, you need to find god
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
