I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
