so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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