Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Let's get the cat blown out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
