Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
