I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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