Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
