R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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