I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
