And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure