having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
