Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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