It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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