maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
