trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
