I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
