so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
