I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
