she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
