non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
