i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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