fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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