arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
