Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
