I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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