I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
