I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
