You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
