can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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