good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
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I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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