She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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