in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
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