Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
it was like eating out sand paper
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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