he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
