i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
