I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
