it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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