I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
