i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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