Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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