New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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