i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you inspire me to be a worse person
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
