hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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