Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So apparently I’m into choking now
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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