I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
