His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize