My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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