You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
