i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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