my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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