Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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