Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My ass is underappreciated
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
