i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
