Me. At least after what I've been through.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
